Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kevanyenter's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Sunday, August 26th, 2007
1:52 am	its true i only post while wasted but... i... want peace, i cant find it, i cant create it, i cant recreate it. how long? (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 7th, 2007
1:56 am	Bitching is there no fucking end to what i must go through? cant i get at least a little fucking peace in life? a little happiness before i get shit on? im a god damned good person, but i guess god damned is the active part in that sentence. i think i treat people well, i may be an ass or joke around too much for some people but overall... well fuck it, everything i work for and everything i dont gets taken away or shit on by life/people/society's rules. im so sick of this. everything i try to do to make my life better fails with nothing to show for but my own existence. i cant even vouch for my contentness with reality or life anymore. That at least was worth something for awhile but this is seriously the last straw. 1: fire at old house 2: i spent $800 on a plane ticket i couldnt use because of passport complications i wasnt aware of... so i automatically lost $200 of it and then have the $600 tied to an American airlines flight. 3: less work, less money 4: stolen items, TV $100, Xbox360 $600, and video Ipod $200 5:car towed for illegal parking job i wasn't aware of there are about 10-20 other little things i can name off but it would just further my rage. i was so fucking close to feeling good about life again. i quit drinking, i have been living healthy but everything around me shits on me. at least i have friends, i have no idea what i would do without them or my family. these events put so much weight on me. i cant handle this anymore, there is only so much a person should have to deal with. i fucking HATE being a burden on people, ive been self reliant for so long. im god damned broke right now. im going to have to borrow money to get my car out of the tow lot... im so sick of this, ive got only myself to blame i suppose. but what did i do to make life so angry at me...... Current Mood: enraged Current Music: Queen Of The Damned - Redeemer (Comment on this)
Friday, June 1st, 2007
2:54 am	hi fake life so i quit drinking for awhile, (a few months at least, hopefully) because ive been drinking rather a lot recently. along with this drinking ive been blacking out, driving home and not remembering a lot of the night. this is scary. after a particularly horrible night i decided this, the next morning i also decided to start boxing, its pretty fun, no head shots and its basicaly an endurance test. see who can go the longest kinda thing. i really need to find an end to my hate, its causing a lot of trouble for me that shouldnt exist. i treat people who dont need to be treated bad, horribly. ive started playing DnD which is pretty fun. made some new friends. but seriously, how does everyone deal with hate? i think i bury everything bad that happens to me... and then release it throughout my day/life. because im really good at dealing with Horrible things right away. but... i cant shake hatred. so that 'kinda' seems logical. so i just need to get really fucking mad right away? seems bad to be engulfed with rage... i really dont know Current Mood: calm Current Music: bright eyes, digital ash's (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
9:29 pm	drink anything i drink several things. most of which make me feel pretty good. i tend to not spend much time doing things i dont enjoy. i love making people happy. im selfish so i do to people as i want them to do to me. so i find it selfish because maybe i do things only to get something in return, but its the persons happiness that makes me happy so that isnt true at all. it would just be nice to know more people as strange as me, i guess. though im kind of an ass to a lot of people. its fun though. finding your driven to be friends with people and hate them is a interesting find indeed. both are very complicated and hard to find reasons for. being friends with people is blamed on being human and needing people just because you are as they, weak. finding you hate them is a little different, though it starts from the same spot (being a human) the reasons for this are found in whoever finds it. fully unique to whomever discovers this in themselves. music drives me as many things do, but not to the extent i desire. i'll find what i need soon, if i continue my search. i can do little else but wander. search for something i dont know of. "and anyway i never lied. the mercy seat is a-burning. and in a way im hoping to be done with the measuring of the truth. a eye an eye and a tooth for a tooth, and anyway i saw no proof. and im spoiling all the fun by the consequence of the truth." is sex the answer ive abandoned? i feel people are more important then myself, sex is shared feelings combined with mutual interests. but those interests are their own. sex is about pleasing yourself through someone else. so am i missing this? i dont pursue random people because i believe the random person could not fulfill me as a person i care about, but if i hate everyone whats the difference between someone i dont care about and someone i do care about? the answer is i Do care about people no matter what i wish to believe/preach. people are important to me not by choice but by human nature. something im not in control of. but what then stops me from trying to get onto anything that moves? is it self shame? is it some kind of thought that i should be chased and not be the person who chases? questions i can not answer. thought is useful in the sense that you can then compile it with someone else's. to bite into your own thought only causes pain. you need someone else to fully think i believe. throwing your thoughts against the wall does nothing unless the wall can bounce your thoughts back at you in a slanted angle. people are that slanted angle, so long as they have thoughts aswell. something in a book i can relate to is the idea that 'you' always think whoever you are sleeping with is more intelligent then they actually are. though i have only had sex with a few people, and only been in a relationship with a limited number of people, i find that this is true. it may be prejudice against the individual but i find everyone who i 'was' with more flawed after im done with them. im going to go get more drunk now, i wish you all happy days forever. look upon thyself with arrows of ideas. Current Mood: provocted to do nothing Current Music: nick cave (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 23rd, 2007
2:39 pm	AHAHAHAHAHAHA IM FUCKING DONE its funny how true it is. im done with wow. isnt that amazing? ive spent so much time in that world, its not even funny. but now that im fucking done with it i have no idea what to do with myself. i started drinking coffee more and reading. i also got myself a drawing book and id like to get a digital camera but i would rather steal one. i dont like the idea of having to spend money to be happy or create beauty. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? i just need to start. school starts in fall, thats so far away. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Nick Cave (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
7:48 am	i just wanted someones ear to talk off i have been so self sacrificial as of late. the last 3 people i cared about. its not easy for me to open up to people right away, i just act crazy/sane and its fine, but sooner or later depending on the person i talk to them. recently it seems that i scare people away because of my opinions of the world. so i cant share who i am? some of the smartest people i know reacted this way, people who i thought would be able to understand are unable to. my mind, i dont think i should have to hide who i am to have friends. i dont want to think that. reality is a shitty fucking place and i should be able to express myself without the loss of friends. fuck people, fuck everyone, but i still need them. its not like i can just ignore that im a social being. i need people no matter how much i hate. i called like 7 people this mourning to try and find someone to go out to breakfast with, i didnt find one. so here i am. typing my thoughts, but i am unable to do it to an extent where i dont need to talk to someone. Current Mood: bitchy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
8:07 pm	to let go of the mistakes of others would make us self centered. to let go of the mistakes of the world would make us utterly alone. so i am weighted. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
4:21 pm	sleepless days hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i dont even want it, i fear it. i want to be mind-numb through restlessness. i dont want to do anything because i fear life. is that true? i should think more before i talk to myself, but i dont really want to haahaha. this is just a sad cry anyway. i can be pretty happy, i can be pretty. i want to connect to people but i just want them to connect to me... =) its hard for me to do the same, i dont really know how to talk to people softly anymore, its silly im sealed. wow is my outlet, i put time in. so everything else but my time builds up... and thats a lot of stuff. i dont have a drive to put my time into anything else. Current Mood: flirty (Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
6:21 am	ive cried myself to sleep the past 2 days. "im such a emo fuck." - A "go die" - B (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
11:01 pm	Wednesday, October 4, 2006 and yet ive done this before... life life life, the keys on my keyboard wont help my direction anymore, blurred and half missing letters, w a s d c v are all gone. was the one to leave me so dry the one who cared the most? all such liars to me... cut deeper every time and yet i know the feeling. did i do it myself? these cuts? the emotional scar feels the blade, the same blade from a different girl from the same situation... /sigh bills bill bills, living with 1, then another, and then a different one, people pass. friends leave with no answers or questions that you needed to hear. people are hallow and i seem to be whittled thin these days. but again by who... i blame the world my life my house my self but what the fuck is the answer. every fucking thing!?!? is it really that! how the fuck do i stop it/that/it! family causes and brings. i dont know what/who to do. i miss my the only friend i could hold, but i dug him a ditch when his time came. when will these people bring on mine. i have a phone full of numbers but none labeled friend/kind/honest. Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Monday, June 19th, 2006
11:27 pm	and so its come to this... i dont even want to... am i that desperate? really? thats sad, (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
12:52 am	first off, im drunk 2nd. i want all of you to make me mix tapes, because: i got a new car! which only has a tape player and i need more different kinds of music to listen to, AND then i found this sterio who only plays tapes, and its a really nice sterio and i like it and its my friend. whats new: vince=roomate/friend, car, same old... blah blah blah Current Music: farside? (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
7:56 am	what do you do with a dead cat... my cat, scrugs, ive had him since i was 2 years old. my first memory is of finding him. he died last night. im going to drink myself sain. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Lou Reed - Caroline Says (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
2:29 am	scrugs.... he wont die... he cant die... what would i do. ive had him for too long for this to happen. its been too long, i don't want to go without him. my cat is foaming at the mouth. he hasn't eaten in 3 days... i... what can we do... he is 17 years old. ive had him since i was 2. he'd better not leave me now. what would i do. Current Mood: crushed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
6:05 am	it hurts inside. but its such a stupid reason. i know its important. life goes on, but how do i hurt, why do i want to hurt you. its been so long, and yet it has only just begun oh such a short time ago. i feel i've been subjecting myself to sorrow. thats not a way to view someone you care for. as old friends reminisce and new opportunities give rise to horrible thoughts, directions seem backwards and paths like slip'n slides seem hard to get off. and you never really know whats in the grass, the slide is smooth and easy to follow. people throw lots of trash onto the ground and im not sure i want to step on glass, i dont know if i want to take a chance. i just want to fit... is that so much to ask. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Friday, February 3rd, 2006
6:11 am	"EEHE I'm Just So HAppy! I Just Want To Die!" Todd No but seriously, i feel the best i've felt in over a month. All morning i havent been able to stop smiling or laughing to myself. I feel great. Life is good. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Friday, July 8th, 2005
12:56 am	you know? hahah i didn't think so... i love drinking, it makes me comfortable... questioning at sometimes, but thats just me realizing how i am normally. and i love being alone... i feel too much judgment from others, it makes me sick, and i hate hearing it from people and even more so from my own mouth. my sister nikki is great... she pays me to sit around and babysit kids that are amazing to be around, a little annoying at times, but what isn't? ... lastly? i think i miss kristi... Current Mood: but what the fuck do i know? Current Music: tick tock (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
6:33 pm	hahahaha indeeeeeeed You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism. </td> Satanism 92% atheism 83% agnosticism 75% Paganism 71% Buddhism 54% Christianity 33% Judaism 21% Islam 21% Hinduism 4% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com (3 Comments |Comment on this)
3:37 pm	death is everywhere but only what i see... uhhhh, blah! YAY spring break! drunk kevan 24/7!!! only hopefully but anyway, everything should be great as long as there is a constant supply of beer and monies. i had something to say, but it fled my skull... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 7th, 2004
1:25 pm	Well, due to unfortunate events, this is going to be my last public post, so if you just found me or whatever just comment on this and i will add you to my friends list. (11 Comments |Comment on this)